The Fat Exchange
by Roxanne3
Summary: Jennyanydots and Jellylorum are tired of fat old Bustopher Jones and stick-thin Mistoffelees, and they've decided to do something about it. *g* Beware, a cat dies in the end, but it's all for the good humor.


"Bustopher Jones, you glutton, look at the state of you!" Jennyanydots scolded, concerned about his overall fat content. "I can't believe what you've been doing to yourself! I mean, 25 pounds is one thing, but 52.1348759820743?!"  
  
"Jenny, dear, you know how I am around food! I just can't help myself! Well, actually, I do help myself quite often, but that's not the point. I just, just." while struggling to find a good excuse for his immense obesity, the fat cat's whiskers and ears suddenly perked up. "Sorry, pip, but I've got to go. The 'Tomb' has just opened, and they're having their buffet special today. Cheerio!" And with that, he waddled off, teetering unsteadily in his gargantuan legs, leaving Jenny to sigh and contemplate any way possible to get rid of all that fat. And then, an idea popped into her head.  
  
"Jellylorum, please, I'm just fine. Leave me alone about it, will you?" Mistoffelees had been struggling to put in anything at all in his own defense that morning. Jellylorum had been ragging on his thin figure, and how skinny he was, and that he didn't get nearly the amount of nutrition he needed.  
  
"But Misto, dearest, how can you manage? You exert far more energy than any of the rest of us do, you should eat more. There's no way that you can be this healthy much longer. Some times I swear that it's your magic keeping you alive these days." She had been going on like this for a few hours on end now, and she tutted down on the petite figure of the magical cat. For years, she had been worried that he would all of a sudden just keel over and die from lack of any potable substance, but now it was getting too hard for her to bear.  
  
Before she could say anymore, he disappeared in a flash of smoke and sparks, leaving her to ponder silently about a means to get any morsel of food in his stringy body. Just then, she began to formulate the most ingenious of ideas that she had ever had (and that's saying quite a lot).  
  
"Jellylorum, you know dear, I've been thinking. Bustopher is just far to fat. I swear, one of these days, he'll just keel over and die."  
  
"I've been thinking the same thing about poor little Mistoffelees."  
  
"That he's gaining to much weight?"  
  
"No, that he doesn't have enough of the stuff on him. He's already small enough as it is, and now, he's begun to eat less and less. I wish that there was some way to help him a bit, and I have an idea, but I'm not sure that I can find all the right materials."  
  
"I think I may know what you were thinking. You and I both know that my human deals with the larger of his kind. I've seen him do just the sort of thing uncountable times, and I'm sure that I could do it, I'd just need a place to put it all when I'm through with the job."  
  
"Ah, I think I may know what you mean. And I believe that Mistoffelees could receive everything, if need be. He would be the perfect candidate. We could finally get him to put on a few pounds, and Mr. Jones would end up much better off than he is now. This could just work, Jenny, my friend. How about tonight? Does that suit you?"  
  
"Yes, I believe that would be dandy, Jelly. This should turn out to be a great success."  
  
The two older Queens then began to collaborate their plans for the evening, anticipating with delight the moment that their task would be accomplished.  
  
Mistoffelees had been woken earlier that morning when the big steel cans began to move with high speeds across the big, black strip, but he did not feel at all well. He couldn't seem to move very much, and basically just felt bloated. Though he had never been claustrophobic before in his life, his little pipe seemed to have closed in all around him, till he felt that he could no longer breath.  
  
In a desperate attempt to free himself, Mistoffelees burst out of the pipe and into the middle of the junkyard with an audible 'pop.' As soon as his vision adjusted to the bright daylight, he became aware of all the other cats laughing hysterically in piles of multi-coloured fur all around the area.  
  
"What's so funny, you guys?"  
  
"Misto, what happened?!" shrieked an immobile Jemima. "Yeah, Misto," Pouncival piped up. "What have you been eating while you were in there? Ha HA!!"  
  
"What do you mean? I didn't eat anything. I haven't for at least two days."  
  
"Well, something weird happened, 'cause you have just got to see yourself," said Munkustrap, handing him a mirror.  
  
"AAAAAH!! I'm fat!"  
  
And with that, the 'great' Mistoffelees disappeared back into his pipe with yet another 'pop,' leaving the junkyard prone to anything that might chance to come it's way in it's prone and defenseless state of extreme laughter.  
  
Jellylorum and Jennyanydots had been watching from inside the old Ford, and had to admit that Misto looked pretty funny.  
  
"Gosh, I think we might have gotten a bit carried away. Do you think he'll be alright, Jelly?"  
  
"Aw, don't worry about him. We never liked him that much anyway, so does it really even matter?"  
  
"No, I suppose you're right. Let's go see how Bustopher is carrying on, shall we?"  
  
"Yes, let's. And we thought he was handsome before *grin*! I can't wait to see how all of our hard work has paid off."  
  
When the 'respectable' Bustopher Jones awoke that morning, he felt much lighter than usual.  
  
"That's strange," he said to himself. Usually, I don't feel like I can even get out of bed. But today, I feel.perky. Goodness gracious, I've never actually felt perky before. I wonder what the matter could be. And my box seems to be particularly capacious this morning. I can actually turn around, something that I've never done before, at least successfully. This is very strange indeed. Maybe the others can tell me what's going on."  
  
Without further adieu, Bustopher made his way out into the street to journey to the junkyard. Instead of getting more tuckered out with each plodding step he took, he practically ran all the way, another small feat which he had never before attempted to do.  
  
"Hello, good chaps, is anyone here yet? I say, there seems to be something the matter with me this morning. I would appreciate it if someone could tell me what it is."  
  
"Bustopher, is that you?" giggled Munkustrap, who was still on the floor from his encounter with Mistoffelees. He just couldn't get over that hilarious sight. And when Bustopher came into view, his laughter reached a peak unknown to any before.  
  
"What happened to you?" he managed to get out between peals of overly passionate laughter.  
  
"That's exactly what I was going to ask you, dear fellow. Do I look any different to you? I feel strange this morning."  
  
"Here, *chortle,* use this, *guffaw, guffaw,*" he chuckled, tossing him the mirror which Mistoffelees had dropped during his moment of extreme unhappiness. "My goodness, look at me. I seem to have lost a few pounds. I was wondering why the females seemed to have a renewed interest in me. I really do have to go show my nephew. I'm sure young Master Mistoffelees would like to see this change for himself."  
  
"Are you sure you, *snigger,* want to do that? He seems a bit, *snort,* distressed over certain, *grin,* problems he was having."  
  
"Then why are you laughing, if he's in such a state? Now I must certainly go to see him, he will be bound to need my uncular comfort. Cheerio!"  
  
"Mistoffelees, dear nephew, are you in there?"  
  
"Go away! I don't want to talk to anyone."  
  
"Why, Mistoffelees, what could cause you to act in such an absurd manner? Surely there's some way that I can make myself of use to you?"  
  
"No. Go away. You can't see me! I just want to be left alone. *Sob.*"  
  
"Well, I can't very well leave you to sit here and sulk, can I? Come on, boy, let me see, maybe I can help."  
  
"What could you possibly do about a thing like this?" whispered a distraught Misto, tottering out into the daylight.  
  
"Nephew, what happened? You seem to have ballooned a bit in the night."  
  
Upon glancing up at his usually towering Uncle and seeing almost a mirror image of what he had looked like just yesterday, Misto let out a mournful "oh" and disappeared back into his pipe.  
  
"Come on, Mistoffelees, I'm sure there's something we can do about this. Please, come talk to the others and me. There must be some way to return you to normal. Mistoffelees? Oh, well. What's done is done. If you're not going to come out, we'll just have to leave you where you are to lament. Toodles."  
  
As the new and improved Bustopher pranced back towards his friends, his thoughts turned towards himself. "I may as well make use of my newfound freedom. There's no point on wasting it on those who don't appreciate the glory. I wonder where Jellylorum and Jennyanydots are. They always love to be near me. *Chuckle.*"  
  
"Where is that cat? We can't find him anywhere!"  
  
"And I was so looking forward to being able to give him a real hug for once, not where my arms only fit about halfway around him."  
  
"Well, he's bound to come by at some point, looking for attention, right Jellylorum? Let's just wait here till he shows up."  
  
"That's a splendid idea, Jenny. Wait, here he comes. Remember, act surprised."  
  
"Hello, my good ladies! Splendid day today, wouldn't you say?" Not being able to contain himself any longer, he quickly moved past his cool façade of bliss and asked the prominent question. "So, do you notice anything.different about me?" he inquired, traipsing around in a little circle with a large smile splitting his face, spanning from ear to ear.  
  
"Why, good morning, Bustopher," tittered a swooning Jennyanydots. "You look wonderful today. Is it your fur color?"  
  
"Not quite, my dear. Take a closer look."  
  
"How much closer?"  
  
"Now, now, Jellylorum, don't go getting any naughty ideas. Come come, you must see it by now."  
  
"Oh, now I see. You've finally lost some weight, like I've been asking. Ooh, you do look marvelous. Turn about again, I want to see. My goodness, who would have thought you had all those muscles under all that blubber."  
  
"Do you really think so, darling? If I really look quite that spectacular, I'm just going to have to go find someone else to show. But don't worry, I'll be back. Toodle, pips!"  
  
While watching the now considerably slimmer back saunter off into the shadows, the two elderly Queens couldn't contain their excitement.  
  
"Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh! He looks sooo hot!"  
  
"Now, now, Jenny, don't act under your age. Though I do have to admit, that's most definitely an improvement that I can live with. Oh, I can't wait till he comes back! This is going to be so much fun." "But you know, dear, that we'll still have to watch what he eats. Habits are very habitual, you know, and can take a while to break."  
  
"Yes, very true, very true. I suppose we should monitor his every meal very closely. And if we stay close enough." as Jellylorum trailed off, both of the cats giggled in a very demented way. Their minds were definitely in the gutter.  
  
Their own personal bluebird of happiness did not stay long, however, as they never seemed to find 'poor' Bustopher Jones. In truth, he stayed secluded in his box, sitting day after day in front of a huge mirror that he had purchased for the sole purpose of envying himself in his full glory, and ate popcorn to keep him occupied. Butter loaded popcorn, too.  
  
Then the duck of unhappiness decided to show up, and Jenny and Jelly went in search of Mr. Mistoffelees, just to see how he was getting along. He was, however, also secluded, mourning over the terrible predicament that had befallen him. He was so depressed that he ceased eating altogether.  
  
This was when the ominous chicken of despair made its' way into the insane worlds of Jennyanydots and Jellylorum. No longer having anyone to gush and drool all over, and not having anyone to nag about anything, they went on a mad rampage. They immediately devoured the chicken of despair (fried, of course, Kentucky style) and welcomed the penguin of madness with open arms. This penguin however, insane as it was, could not stand the completely loopy lives of the Queens, and so re-employed the bluebird of happiness. And all was well.  
  
Now that I've got all that out of my system, I think we should move on, don't you?  
  
So everyone was happy, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
I thought I'd let it all out already? Oh well. Deal with it. Your life should return to normal shortly. I think.  
  
*Three months later,* Various cats were lying around the junkyard in the sun. They had all gotten past the point of caring about what had happened to Mistoffelees and Bustopher Jones fairly quickly, and were going about there everyday lives. They still had to strive to ignore Jenny and Jelly, queer as they were (they just couldn't get over losing that hunk!), but most of them had gotten past the point of caring about that, too. When all of a sudden, the placid peacefulness was broken by a long, heaving sigh. They were greeted with the sight of Mistoffelees, even thinner that he was before the 'operation,' the detail of which had spread quickly after the Queens lost their minds and blurted everything out in little bits to the tribe, making them laugh even harder. So hard that they didn't notice that a few of the older cats had died from the steadily increasing strain on their lungs from the laughter. He still looked miserable, though, and everyone struggled to contemplate why.  
  
"Hello, all. I know what you're all thinking, 'look at poor little Misto, he's so fat.' But, you know, I think I'm past the point of caring anymore. I can't stand the loneliness."  
  
He paused for effect, and never managed to start back up again, for as soon as the crickets were finished with their chirping concerto, Munkustrap spoke up. "What are you talking about? You're thinner than before?"  
  
"You mean, I'm not just a walking ball of blubber and grease anymore? Yippeeeeee!" Suddenly, a million bluebirds of happiness fluttered around Misto, engulfing him in a complete sense of joy. In his rapture and much rejoicing, he somehow managed to jump up and click his heels together a few times (don't ask me how a cat can do that, I don't know).  
  
After they killed all the bluebirds for their festival that night, they told Misto what had really happened to him.  
  
"They did WHAT!!!" he shrieked. Apparently, he was appalled by the behavior of the seemingly maternal and caring Queens, but could do nothing to injure them. They were, of course, completely mad and had wandered off and gotten themselves stuck in an old microwave. This pleased everyone, some more bluebirds came, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
But alas, the joyous activity and rejoicing was interrupted by Bustopher Jones waltzing in, unaware that he was as fat as ever.  
  
"My, my, I haven't seen you all in a while. What's been going on around here, chaps?"  
  
"Bustopher, I thought you had gotten thinner?"  
  
"Of course I have, what seems to be the trouble?"  
  
"Well, you're not."  
  
"I know I'm not fat."  
  
"Yes, you are. Here, look in this," said Munkustrap, handing Bustopher the previously mentioned mirror.  
  
"Oh, no! Goodness gracious me! Oh, well, I guess beauty is mortal after all. Where are Jennyanydots and Jellylorum? I know they'd love to see me, they always have."  
  
"I'm not sure if you should see them. They're not quite.in their right minds."  
  
"My, my, if it's that serious, I should definitely go to see them." And he toddled off, with a trail of cautious Jellicles trailing behind to see what would happen.  
  
When they got there, the St. Jame's street cat somehow and unexplainably managed to squeeze his bulk through the tiny door and none of the other cats moved. They didn't want to disturb nature's workings.  
  
They did not have to wait long, for soon, after sounds of shrill voices nearly piercing numerous eardrums had permeated the air for a few moments, all sounds halted and the limp form of Bustopher Jones was hurled out through the door. The body was examined and Old Deuteronomy announced with a wide grin on his face that the reputable Bustopher Jones was in fact dead.  
  
As this news slowly bore its' way through the thick skulls of the cats, they realized that their wildest dreams had finally come true. This time, there was a whole flock of bluebirds of happiness, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
The End 


End file.
